Having read recent updates on some friends’ blogs kind of inspired me to get back on blogging. I have momentarily neglected blogging for as long as I can remember. So I went to Korea, which was totally abrupt (like I had a few weeks to prepare for that, you readers don’t need to know the exact reason why I went to Seoul do you?) and since coming back to the US, I didn’t have much time to spend on blogging. I got caught up with so many things, like restoration of relationships and friendships with people I might have consciously or unconsciously had a falling out with. Plus my work has been demanding more hours from me, all I remember is that before travelling out, I had only been getting 20 hours at most, but since I got back, I have been getting 25-35 hours per week, with hours distributed in six out of the seven days of the week. Whew. But I could not complain. You don’t complain that you have a job, instead, be thankful for there are others out there who don’t even have a source of income. And now, I’m making blogging back into my daily routine. I miss blogging! Aaaah.

Moving on, why the title? Why ‘Closure’ for a title? You see, the purpose of my coming to Korea was for an important reason, but within that reason, enclosed are others such as leisure and pleasure and to do a little soul searching. While there, I had time to think things over, to look back on where my life’s at, to deal with my quarterlife crisis, and to slow down a bit since I feel that I have been taking full charge ahead for the past months. The trip did give me time to breathe and time to ponder on important things such as my friendships with three different but equally important people in my life.

Just who are they? One shall be named on this entry as The One That Got Away, a special person who’s always been there for me, ready and willing to hand me the moon and the stars on a silver plate. He lives in Seoul now, and the opportunity to live with him (in one roof) while there gave us much time to talk things over, to realize things, and draw ourselves into a conclusion. A lot of people say that I am stupid enough to let go of such an amazing person like him out of my life (or out of my heart rather since he is very much part of my life). The thing is, I really do not feel anything for him more than a bestfriend, more like an older brother (oppa in the truest sense of the word), an older brother I wish I had. We had come to terms and just decided to be friends forever. My whole stay in Seoul was simply amazing thanks to him. I would never forget how he turned his pantry into a 7-Eleven filled with my favorite treats, kumpleto talaga, nandu’n ang stock ng favorite Pringles ko, Kellog’s Frosted Flakes and Fruit Loops, Lotte Koala Bear cookies, Oreo, Chips Ahoy, Milano cookies, Ruffles, Pik-Nik… ah basta, lahat ng favorite ko nandu’n. At talagang punung-puno ito. Busog na busog lang ako, busog ang tiyan ko, at busog ang puso ko. Ng pagmamahal. Yuck. I’m getting cheesier by the moment! But yeah, while living with him in Seoul, I felt his care for me so dearly, but on a different level. A lot more special than that of boyfriends looking out for each other.

The next guy is A Friend of Mine whom I have been secretly in love with. Or was secretly in love with. He finally took the courage to tell me that he’s been harboring feelings for me, and that he kept them all to himself for that one fear we all have in common—rejection. If truth be told, I kept my feelings as well for fear that he might turn me down. And for fear that it might ruin our beautiful friendship. So he finally mustered the courage to tell me of how he wants us to get together, point blank. I was deadpan for a few minutes for I didn’t know how to react on what he had just told me. I felt like I was placed on a tight spot without knowing what to do or say. Don’t get me wrong, this guy is special to me, but sadly, I no longer see myself with him. I have long given up on the thought that maybe someday soon we would end up in each other’s arms. If I were to put it metaphorically, my feelings for him have already expired. Out of the situation, I didn’t know what to tell him, for as most of you know by now, I am not the best person to turn anyone down. My weakness is to say no to someone, and that I think is one reason why people tend to take advantage of me. But at that point, feelings were involved, it’s either I speak of the truth to him, or lead him on and cross the threshold of a world of deceit. I couldn’t do that, especially to him. So I broke it to him gently and told him I am no longer interested in him in a romantic sense. I told him that I have waited long enough until I lost that loving feeling (Euwww! Cheese overload!), but that doesn’t mean we can never be together ever in this lifetime. For the world is round (like a basketball) not flat (like a frisbee), pasasaan pa magtatagpo pa din kami saan man sa bilog na mundong ito. It was one of the most difficult moments of my life to reject his love like that, but I still made him feel that nothing will ever change between the two of us. We parted ways that night having a hodge podge of emotions. I felt guilty, but justified my guilt by telling myself that I did the right thing. I could never hurt anyone, but I could never cheat on anyone you know. I’d rather be upfront with him and tell him no than tell him yes when I really do not mean it. I expected that it’ll take time before we get back to normal. And yes, it is a process.

The last guy on the list is My Once Dreamboy. Prior to leaving for Seoul, we had a little misunderstanding that kind of got blown a little out of proportion. If more than anything, I was distressed with how things came to be when I didn’t expect them to be that way. I chose to not speak to him and make it stand like that for a few days such that I’d reflect on the recent events that passed us by, I really did not mean harm in doing so. I just wanted to let time heal everything and get back to him whenever I am ready. I came to terms with my shortcomings, and I didn’t in any way wish to end the friendship that I share with him (that’s not even the last thing on my mind for it is not on my mind). I must say that he’s that friend I would come to for each time I am down and out, the friend I can always express my feelings and share my thoughts to, the friend I would always run for cover knowing he will shield me. He’s done so much for me and for the friendship we share, he took me to places I haven’t been to here in LA, made me experience things I haven’t done in the whole time I’ve been living here in the US, he served as my solace in some of my darkest hours, but most importantly, he made me feel I am alive. But due to that difference of opinion we had, I left Los Angeles for Seoul with a very heavy heart. Our last conversation was a little ugly, and there was no certainty as to where our friendship stood as per that one last conversation we had before I left. The chat we had kind of made me feel that I was to get “kicked out” of his circle of friends, beginning with their trip to Pismo Beach without inviting me, and that barbecue they had. It hurt a lot because he would always try to include me in everything except for those two activities. I was deeply saddened because the friendship means so much to me, and I had no intention of ruining everything that I had invested on this person. I did develop feelingsfor this person once upon a time, but even beore I left LA for Seoul, I have already come to accept that friends are all we could ever be, and I realized he isn’t exactly my type all the way around as far as for a boyfriend. But since we started off as friends, all I wished for is that we end up as friends. Then again, as I would always tell him, change is inevitable, that only thing constant in this world is change… so what if his take on our friendship has changed over that misunderstanding we had? I only anticipated for the worst. I was prepared to get the boot from him and his friends. But part of me still clung on to the wonderful memories we have shared over the months, part of me wants to think that we are friends, and will be friends 'til the end. You know sometimes, you have to run away, not just to create distance, but to see who cares enough to run behind and pull you back. And at that point, I felt like no one would even run to pull me back. Questions like, 'Does it still matter?' or 'Does the friendship still mean anything?' were getting the best of me.

I wanted to exert effort and patch things up ASAP, but all I had were thoughts, I could not even put my thoughts into action for I am many miles away from them. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, until I got back to the States with mixed emotions. I knew I had a good time away from everyone else while in Seoul, and the time I spent away provided me that chance to think things over, to assess myself as well as the people around me. I was done restoring relationships with The One That Got Away and A Friend of Mine, and I am yet to face My Once Dreamboy. It brought me uncertainties, especially when the time for us to meet up for the first time in three months came. Thoughts ran into my head like, is he still the same person I happened to know on the eve of my birthday? Or, what will become of this meeting, will this meeting bring me to a realization that I am no longer welcome to be his friend? I was drowned in so many thoughts on the bus ride from Los Angeles to San Gabriel.

It almost did not push through, but we finally got to see each other after three months, and I missed him all the more as a friend. No more and no less than that. I have long sorted my feelings for him, and true enough, it is way much better for us to keep it simple as friends. We didn’t even talk things out, no explanations anymore, it was nothing but making up for lost time together. It felt like the last time we hung out was just the day before. I couldn’t be any happier. Then there came closure between us. And that we are to keep the promise that we’ll be friends for life. Time did heal all the wounds.

Thus far, these three people will always be of value to me. I have high regard for each of them, and if there’s anything, I have only learned to appreciate the friendship I share with these people even more. I am happy to have successfully reinstated my friendships and patched things up with The One That Got Away, A Friend of Mine and My Once Dreamboy. And it’s always best to become friends than lovers with any of these three guys, because love does fade, but friends are forever.